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Three things you may talk about with a Sex Therapist

Sex and Food

Imagine being in a room filled with a dozen hungry people.  You have been appointed the task to take everyone’s food order.  You grab your phone and open a note pad and ask each person “what would you like to eat this evening”?  Responses range from sushi to pepperoni pizza and quickly you realize that parameters should be in place to define options before you open things up to entertain a food fantasy for everyone.  So, you say, “we’re ordering Italian food” and three people say how much they hate Italian food and one person tells you their opinion on the best Italian food in town while his wife disagrees.

Do you know what you like when it comes to sex?   If you’ve ever chatted with someone about what you like it might be different than what someone else likes.  In fact, if you were to ask, “what is sex?” or “what does sex mean to you”? You might get different answers from every single person you ask.

Why sex therapy?

People who are completely satisfied in their sex lives do not need a sex therapist.  They might be too busy having great sex.  Sexual satisfaction and health are very important and safe spaces to talk openly are limited.  It is quite common for people to become alienated form their own sexual interests and even experience conflicted erotic interests.  Individuals and couples usually struggle privately with these types of thoughts and conflicts.     Do you like sex too much?  Do you not like it at all?   

Here are the three things you’ve been waiting for!


A sex therapist may help you work through some of your internal judgments about sex.  When your sexual partner says I want chocolate cake and you say chocolate cake makes me sick, (metaphorically) what do you do?  It may be important to discuss certain sexual health principles.  You can read about them here   


A sex therapist may assist you and your partner in identifying and understanding arousal and desire.  These two things are not always automatic like in the movies.  Sometimes couples resist planned sex because they want things to be spontaneous.  This myth is dispelled when you talk about your past sexual experiences and all the preparation and planning that went into that pursuit.  Couples who want to come together need erotic recovery and a sex therapist can help you build a plan to do just that.


A sex therapist may help you in establishing a balance in your life in terms of connection and autonomy.  The pursuit of safety, trust and stability can at times lead to a loss of the erotic nature in a relationship.  Some couples need to learn that separation does not have to mean loss of connection.  Couples become emotional fused together and lose their sense of self.  The erotic needs space to grow.

Final thoughts.

There are so many options when it comes to food and the same is true when it comes to sex.  Every person has their own unique design and desire.  When we eat something we enjoy, we know how to express it.  When our sex lives are not satisfying, we may have a harder time admitting and seeking help.  Whether its because of something medical or relational, a sex therapist will create a safe space for you to talk about and resolve issues related to sex and satisfaction.

Here’s a short list of issues covered in sex therapy:

Erotic recovery

Pleasure avoidance

Pleasure resistance

Erectile disfunction

Affair recovery

Defining sexual ethics and fidelity

Fantasy, fetish and kink

Arousal and desire

Sexual addiction vs. Out of control Sexual behaviors

Sensate focus tools

Gender and sexual identity 

Monogamy and non-monogamy

Our therapist Robb Kornoelje is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist in training.  AASECT is a voluntary certification that takes at minimum 18 months of coursework, supervision and clinical practice.  AASECT holds the highest standards for Sex Therapists in the country.  If you have questions about Sex Therapy or would like more information please contact Robb at